Mzsister

Hi all. I am new here and just started attending Al-Anon. I'm trying to figure out how to tell my brother that I no longer feel comfortable letting my son be around him. My son is two and has never seen my brother drunk. It seems to me that he drinks just enough to be comfortable around people and then gets drunk later by himself and he doesn't drink in front of anyone anymore. A lot of times I can't tell whether he's had a drink or not, but in my mind it really doesn't matter because he's had jaundice for nine months so obviously something is really wrong here.

Regardless of how much he's drinking or whether he's under the influence around my kid, I feel like it's really bad for my son to have a relationship with somebody who's killing himself in front of our eyes and who seems to have no intention of stopping. I just don't want my son to think it's ok to choose to destroy yourself instead of dealing with your issues in a healthy way. I also don't want him to grow up thinking that when you see someone in trouble, you should just ignore it, make excuses, and pretend it's not happening.

I think it's totally reasonable to not want my brother around my kiddo so long as he's drinking but I am struggling with my mom and other family members thinking that I am being mean or trying to punish my brother and that I'm not acknowledging my brother's "accomplishments" - seeing a counselor and not being under the influence at two family events.

I know that I need to do what is healthy for me and my little family. I need to figure out how to set boundaries with my brother the right way - not making it about me controlling him or coercing him to get help like, "you can't see my son unless you..." Sometimes I think it would be easier if he would get fall-down drunk in front of us, or get a DUI, get in trouble some way. I wish I could say, "I'm not comfortable being around you when you've been drinking and I'm going to leave the next time it happens," but it's hard when I'm not 100% if he has been drinking. Even if he's sober, it's so obvious that he's having health problems because of his drinking, I feel like I'm enabling him just by having a conversation with him and pretending like everything is normal when it's so crazy! At this point I just don't want to be around him at all. I feel like I'd rather just say I can't do this and deal with the fallout, but I worry that it will give my family something else to focus on instead of the real problem of alcoholism.

I guess I was hoping that maybe some of you could share your stories about how you detached from a loved one. I am trying to find a way to tell him I can't be around him right now, but still have a chance at having a relationship with him in the future should he decide to get sober. I also don't want to further take the focus off my brother and the alcoholism and put it on myself as the person causing problems and disrupting the harmony of our family. In other words, I need to be reasonable and calm.

Anything you all can share with me particularly about children? I could also use a little pep talk that I'm doing the right thing by trying to protect my son from some real heartache and confusion. I keep doubting myself. I feel like the situation with my family is so different than my version of reality that sometimes I start to think that maybe I'm just crazy!

Anything you could share with me would be awesome. I promise to try to really listen to whatever you are trying to share with me!