We all fall for them while they are still this side of functional although depending on our background and tolerance for seeing people drunk, that could mean different things for different people. I can see now I wasn't very fussy.
I did not grow up around anyone who drank and not even friends parents or anything. For most of my life my mom had a "no alcohol allowed in the house" rule. I like beer but I can (and do) go week or months in between drinking. I dont usually ever keep it in my house. Ive had times Ive drank every weekend (but not for 10 weekends in a row or anything.. maybe 3 at the most) and Ive had times I havent drank even once in a year or two. Its never really been a focus like this, KWIM? Ive lots of times been like, 'Woohoo, I like beer!' lol same as I like mac and cheese.. but I havent often went out of my way to get it. So, ANY of his drinking habits stand out quite a bit. It was a bigger realization at first, I was all "
is this guy really an alcoholic or what?" I did the whole, 'huh.. he had a few beers last time I seen him, too' questions. This was maybe 2 months in. Ive since realized that, yes, he is an alcoholic.
No, he doesn't have 'very good control'. Very good control is not drinking when you want to stop. Very poor control is wanting to stop drinking, but drinking anyway.
Good point. I think being this is the first time I have dealt with this problem, what I have done is compared him, in my reasoning, to a skid row bum. Which he definitely is not. "He's not bad because he doesnt do XYZ" He is not like those people on Intervention who will lie cheat and steal to get booze.
When he lived with his room mate for years it was a nice upper class house. He always worked. Always paid his child support. He did the cooking and cleaning. His house now? Very nice. Always clean. Always dressed nicely. Always showered and well groomed.
I have confused those with with "having control" but you know what? Drinking is a separate thing. Yes, he does have good control of his life, but he does not have good control of his drinking. I am beginning to see a separation and difference now.
And how come he has to get to the point of drinking too much before he knows it's time to stop? Why doesn't he stop before he drinks too much?
He does. Most nights it does not become an issue of "feeling bad" before he stops. Many times its not even spoken of, he has beer and its no big focused on deal. I guess I was just saying that I have never ever seen him throw up or pass out or anything. But there HAVE been nights where he will say, "I dont want that anymore" or "I had enough" and I always have a feeling its because he's at a point of not feeling 'good' drunk anymore, its because if he DID drink more, he'd be sick.
He doesn't show very good control of his drinking. He shows drinking management. Drinking management is a sign of alcoholism.
Very good point. Thank you for saying that. Having not dealt with this before, I wouldnt even know to think of it that way.
So every single day he chooses to feel less than optimum...why?
(because he's an alcoholic and it's not easy to choose feeling good if it means putting the bottle down).
Why would anyone choose to feel bad every day unless they didn't have much choice?
(because feeling bad drinking feels better than feeling good not-drinking--that's alcoholism).
Good questions and good answers.
It was a big light bulb moment for me when I found out that functional is a stage of alcoholism, not a type of alcoholic.
Wow. Thank you so much for that powerful thought.