I broke up with an alkie over 1.5 years ago and yes sometimes I still don't get it, the pain of it all comes back and I am just TIRED AND WEARY of failing to put that beast to rest and come to terms that yes, drink was first and is still first, there is someone else in his life and NO, he didn't give a damn then, he doesn't give a damn now, and he is still the "happy-go-lucky" guy drinking in the beach and going to clubs.
I know how it feels and I am sorry you are going through the same
All I can say is keep reading/posting- keep looking at the facts... this guy drinks because he wants to drink that's all. Just like any alkie (or normal person) they got their own choices and their own lives to live (or destroy).
Sometimes walls have to be torn down completely so something new is built with strong foundations.
I still feel many things but you know what?
I am better at discerning wishful thinking and reality. I thought reality was painful but no. It is wishful thinkng that is painful and never ending suffering. Reality is harsh at first but afterwards you got material to work on and a list of things you can do that make you feel much better. And many gifts come along with that.
I am better at saying "oh well. I am just a human... of course I have feelings" and NOT place judgment on how I feel and see ALL feelings as valuable and appropiate. NO ONE has walked in your shoes so yes you are entitled to your feelings and encourageed to feel them, learn from them, sit with them, work them (therapy helps a lot with this)
In the end I feel I am sad and angry with myself for letting someone who is not worth a lot take so much of my time and energy. There is this delusion that they are so great IF ONLY they didn't drink but, look at things closely, in reality many of alkies got no self respect, no love for themselves, are hurt so they only know how to hurt, try to lie to themselves and lie to others, none of that is authentic and comes down sooner or later.
You'll go through this stronger and wiser and whatever happens it will be easier for you to come back to your center and feel stable and loved even in the midst of chaos or changes or strong feelings. Invest in your spiritual life. Once I reconnected with the GOD-Higher power of my understanding it is obvious I am loved and I was saved from something horrible, addiction. And what I am looking for is NOT in an alcoholic or any other person for that matter.
I wish you the best, keep posting and reading, it helps!