SashaMB

I have been nervous for the approaching weekend because my husband has agreed to only drink on the weekend (this was his idea, not mine, in response to my telling him that I had a problem with his excessive drinking). Last weekend he had 16 drinks, which is just the same problem with a different configuration, so I don't feel that the weekends-only is really a solution.

Last night (Friday), husband didn't drink anything, which was a relief. I have not said anything further about his drinking, but had planned a boundary of simply not being around him when he's drinking. So tonight (Saturday) we sat down to play a game, and he asked me why we never have wine together anymore. Since he brought it up and was not drinking, I told him very simply that I believe he drinks too much and that I do not want to be around the drinking or participate in it. I did not yell, cry, or get angry.

He, on the other hand, was very defensive. He wanted to know why I wasn't happy that he hasn't been drinking during the week. I explained that, while I do appreciate his cutting back, that I think drinking excessively is a problem regardless of what day of the week it is. He argued with me about how many drinks he really had last weekend (he flat out doesn't believe me), and how I'm being unreasonable, inflexible and unforgiving. I told him that it is his choice what he drinks, and that I am not telling him what to do or issuing any ultimatum. He said that I am trying to guilt him and to control him. I told him that he does not have to agree with me, but that his drinking is a problem for me, and that it is causing a problem in our relationship. He asked if he should take up smoking cigarettes or pot as a replacement. I told him that was non-sense and that we shouldn't invent new problems. He said that he needs to have some way to relax. He also said that he is not addicted (as evidenced by his not drinking during the week), he does not have a problem, and that he is not going to stop drinking.

He tried to get me to agree to a specific number of drinks, and to help tell him when he's had too much. I told him that his drinking causes me stress, and that I am uncomfortable with all drinking for now, and I do not want to be in the position of policing him. I told him again that I was not telling him what he can or can't do, but that I am uncomfortable with his drinking, period. I also told him that I am making the choice to not be around him drinking, but that again, it's his choice whether to drink, but it's my choice whether to be around it.

He said that he will keep drinking (not drinking is unequivocally not an option), but that he will be mindful of his drinking. Whatever that means. He also said that he thinks that I upset with him for some other reason and that I am using this as an excuse to be upset with him.

I think the next step for me is to follow through with not being around him when he drinks. I am really disappointed, but not surprised, by his reaction. He kept challenging me to convince him as to why his drinking is a problem. I answered as best as I could, but apparently the fact that it is causing problems in our relationship is not a compelling reason in his mind. He compared my issue with his drinking to if he suddenly decided that he had an issue with me exercising too much. He was not impressed with a mind-altering chemical substance as the distinction between the 2 activities.

So, I'm bummed and just wanted to vent a little bit. It's looking like this is going to be a long road. Thanks for reading.

Sasha