Wow I am very embaressed I wrote on this last night. I'm sorry.
I have been realizing more the differences between my drinking and my friends drinking. I drink heavily with the goal to get very drunk whereas with my friends it is a social thing, although they get drunk too. Take last night for example, the party was low on beer, so I took 2 and stashed them, just in case we ran out, so I could still get drunk on my own. The other difference is that when we make plans to party or drink and they don't work out, I get really mad. Not visibly but I burn up inside just because I always want to so bad. I have also caught myself at time when I am either angry, sad or upset about something, thinking about getting drunk. It's almost like a relief to me. If I'm angry at my parents, I'll go get drunk that night (without them finding out) and it makes me feel better. Same with when I'm sad, you don't think about those emotions when you drunk, it kinda just wipes that all away.
I don't know if this sounds like a problem to you guys, but the reason I haven't stopped is because I have not totally convinced myself that I do have a problem. Sometimes I think I do, but other times I feel like I am just overthinking it. I really appreciate you guys. It's nice to know someone cares, even if you're ****** up.