It's Friday night...weekend blues and worries for mom. A daughter is out of course. I am sure she told me some big lie about where she was going and with whom...but i said nothing...just told her to have a good time. i am not going to call her..i am not going to call her..i am not going to call her. Really, I am very determined...I realized today that I just might as well turn it over to God because i cannot control her. She will do what she will do. She will go to jail if she must, and she will loose her job while she is in jail. But if those are the decisions she makes...so be it. We will not bail her out...don't have any money left to bail her out. I hope she has learned more from this whole DUI experience (which she is still going through) than to do something stupid like drink and drive. Oh well, that is really up to her...and the consequences are hers. I feel calmer and more at peace tonight than I have lately...because I have finally accepted the fact (I have been in denial for many years) that she lies about where she is going and what she is doing...I am just tired and wish she wouldn't even bother to do that. But old habits die hard for both of us. As I said, I have realized that codependence is a dance that takes two..and the whole dumb dance happens over and over and nothing really changes. So why bother. I will feel bad for her if she does mess up and end in jail, but I can't let that rule my life. I am just now taking baby steps to have a life. Pray for me please, as this is a difficult night and I am doing fine now in a fatalist sort of way....just pray that God let's me hold it together and do the right thing...if she isn't home at 2 or 3 o'clock please let me stop myself from calling and demanding to know where she is and when she will be home (and I might as well be truthful...I always accuse her of being drunk whether she is or not...I said old habits die hard)because she will not come home any sooner...she will not come home until she decides to do so...regardless of how I rant and rave. For the FIRST time ever let me not call and let me let her make her own decisions. Help me let go and let God (I sure hope he is awake up there).
This would be a big step for me...as I said it would be the first time. Doing fine and praying hard.