Hi Anon,
My exA had an affair that she ended right before we got together, which she later insisted she ended "so that (she) could be with (me)". She insisted on being in touch with this person, not telling me when there was contact even though she had agreed to let me know if and when there was contact. This person she had the affair with is a devoted and "upstanding member" of the local religious community, married for over 30 years, and a person of VERY substantial financial means, who swore that they had "only ever cheated once before" cheating with my exgf...with their spouses best friend!! Somehow, that was a good reason to not label themselves a "cheater" but you know, they "couldn't help who they were attracted to."
Not unlike your situation my exgf told her mother, also, who is a devout Catholic. She told her daughter to never let anyone tell her what to do, and that she should maintain contact with this married person no matter what I wanted. And then, close on the heels of that, told my exgf that she was concerned for the relationship between the two of us. Huh, no kidding. I don't think it's a coincidence that my exgf was raised by an alcoholic father, and her mother is still solidly codependent in her behavior, years after her husband passed away. (But my exgf's sister did say to her that she would never put up with what my exgf was doing, by maintaining contact...)
I assure you, despite the fact that my exgf told me about this affair up front, it was one of the MOST damaging aspect of our relationship. I thought I was special, that I would be "the one" to save her from this pattern of self-abusive behavior (being attracted to unavailable people and drinking too much despite "in house detox" that she also tried), and I didn't want to be alone. The kicker is that all of that made me emotionally unavailable too! I was unavailable to myself as I tended to her and the emotional mess she contributed to by her affair, by focusing on her drinking, and by keeping myself in a relationship that left me unavailable for something WAY better.
Was I instantly attracted to her? Yes. Do I believe we had all kinds of things that we could have achieved in the world if she WASN'T drinking, and was willing to get into recovery programs that we could work together? YES. Do I believe we had the makings of the POTENTIAL for genuine, deep love? YES. But we couldn't get there. We couldn't get there because she has emotional attachment to unavailable people (and let me tell you, the betrayal and karmic issues around this affair STILL bother me, I still cry over them sometimes) and because she has emotional attachment to alcohol, and because at the time I was willing to settle for way less than I wanted and then be really, really irritated and p*ssed off about it. I handed her all of my personal power and was exceedingly disappointed when she didn't treat it the way I expected her to, even though she showed me who she was from the very beginning. I'm sorry to say that I would be shocked if this man that you say you love will ever be able to measure up to your hopes for him, and for your "relationship" with him.
I really miss my exgf, but I will find happiness. Thank you for posting this, it helps me to see that I have come a long way. Keep posting, there are wise words here for you, even though they can be really, really hard to hear.
posie