Hey SoberMax.
Whatever you do man don't let this drive you back to the drink man. That happens a lot I would suspect. It happened to me. There are a vast amount of newcomers who attend one or two meetings and you never see again. Most at AA are the same people at all the meetings. Certainly I can go to any meeting within a 40 mile radius and know I'll know people there.
I am nearly a year sober and my recovery is my recovery and very personal to me. I empathise with the getting on kness and praying you speak of. Not for this alcoholic/addict. No way.
I have reached the point in my recovery where I am contented and happy and I know what works for me. Also the fact I nearly have a year proves to me that I must be doing something right. I am eternally grateful for my recovery and I am very contented and peaceful most of the time.
If you re-read some of my posts where I was struggling you may be able to relate to certain things.
As long as you are making sure that it isn't your own self-will running riot ie- your alkie mind tricking into doing things to set you up for relapse, then you should be OK.
It is possible to comprehend a higher-power without consciously ackowledging it directly every morning. Some need to do this, others like myself this will just turn their stomach and make drinking seem preferable.
Whatever happpens mate don't drink. I had to take time away from AA to keep my sobriety and I really accredit SR for keeping me grounded and full of clarity on a daily basis. I use AA when I need it and for many in the meetings this is also a foreign concept. But I realised that it's my sobriety that matters! I'l be in the police cell and losing my family and my life, not them.
I didn't want what many of the old-timers I saw there had either and realised I actually was happy with what I actually had! I treaded very slowly and cautiously throughout my early recovery as my mind was very vulnerable. However the majority at AA mean very well and are good people.
Do what you've gotta do to keep sober and recovering on a daily basis. It's your life.
All The Best