Originally Posted by
sobermax 
Step 4 doesn't seem scary as such but when it came to step 3, my sponsor suggested I get down on my knees there and then and pray. Nothing wrong with this in itself, and my sponsor isn't a christian (he's a Buddhist as it happens) but I found myself recoiling automatically from this suggestion.
Hi Max,
Good to see you back posting again. It is very common for a sponsor to get down on their knees alongside the sponsee as they take Step 3 and say the prayer. It's not compulsory though. I would guess that your sponsor just wants to show you how to get what he has. You said before you were attracted to his spirituality - trust him to help you show you how to get it. Fear has you recoiling from doing this and fears are always better out of our head either spoken or written down on an inventory, so please share with him how you are feeling.
I have some difficulty admitting that I am insane (certainly my drunken behaviour is, but I have managed to get by professionally / socially without being committed) and this ego-suppression seems to smack of brainwashing to me.
Have you listened to Joe and Charlie yet?
If not you can find their Big Book Study at the XA speakers website. There's a lot of listening but they do talk about what insane means in the context of the steps - in that it means not of whole mind or complete mind and they say the alcoholic is not of whole mind because he cannot see the truth. It doesn't mean that he is completely mad and unable to function as a human being.
As to the ego smashing and it being brainwashing. I really hope you just trust in this process and stick with this. I can promise you it is not brainwashing. The benefits you get from letting go of the ego are truly amazing. I can tell you that a lot of the time I live in a state of bliss which I could never have achieved with alcohol and I am like this all the time when my thoughts are aligned with my higher power (God) and not with my ego. Whenever I am feeling uncomfortable it is always my ego which has taken back over and
edged
god
out.
If you are still not convinced, a friend of mine would say to your comment about brainwashing "What makes you think that your brain doesn't need brainwashing?"
Many of the old-timers seem to do nothing but AA (which is cool but I have no desire to withdraw from my non-AA responsibilities) and weirdly often seem very troubled themselves. Angry.
Yes, this is true. Working the steps and having a spiritual awakening is not compulsory in AA. There are many who use the fellowship and meetings to stay sober and AA is a very important part of their lives. They may appear angry, they may not - but they are sober and they are alive.
What I have learned to do is to concentrate on my own recovery and I am learning (practicing this a lot) not to have judgements of other people.
I am happier when I am like that.
...Everybody has their place at AA but I don't necessarily listen to everybody.
I don't mean to knock AA or the people at the meetings. I will keep going, but these things concern me, as does the fact that any questioning or requests for clarification of the program seems to be met with more slogans.
Yes, the one-liners are easy to give a response. This is why we have sponsors to take you through in more detail with the program.
where some 'senior' members give the message that unless I do things precisely by the book then I am doomed to death. I don't want what those people have.
Some alcoholics need to be spoken to like this to break through the delusion that alcohol creates (see above insanity and not seeing the truth)
Other alcoholics need a more suggestive approach and need to be left to make up their own mind as to what they need to have to do.
There is merit in all approaches, so everybody will hear what they need to hear. If it is not for you, then don't pay attention to these people and listen to your sponsor. If these others annoy you, just think that maybe their abrupt words will save a life today - because it does happen.
I am struggling with all of this and the fact that I don't feel at all able to raise these issues in a meeting (I have never heard anyone question or criticise aspects of AA in a meeting - it is like an unspoken taboo!) compounds things.
I think if people could criticise AA at meetings, eventually there would be nothing in a meeting but a whole load of resentments and people wanting to fix AA. Everyone has felt like you have felt. If ever you get time, read up on the history of AA and see how the traditions were brought into place. There is a time, however, to raise issues about how the meetings are held and that is in a Group Conscience but I really would suggest that you speak to your sponsor about this first. There is a leaflet available called The Group or something similar I think. I've see it online as well - with more info on this.
Any thoughts or comments would be very gratefully received. I don't mind at all that recovery is difficult and hard work, but the program is currently seeming much less flexible than previously and I'm concerned that I'll fall by the wayside.
My first thought when I read your post was "alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful"
Everyone feels like this before they have taken all the steps. You have not got any alcohol but you have not changed
you and emotions and feelings can be difficult to deal with. I really hope you perserve and do listen to Joe and Charlie if you can. It was listening to them which opened up the BB for me and made sense of the 12 step program.
Well done on your sober time