Struggling with AA.
Hello everyone.
I haven't been posting for a few days - having an eventful time with AA and hoped some of you might have some thoughts.
So, I've been going to meetings, have found a sponsor and started working the steps. It seems that 1 & 2 were pretty much already in place. Step 4 doesn't seem scary as such but when it came to step 3, my sponsor suggested I get down on my knees there and then and pray. Nothing wrong with this in itself, and my sponsor isn't a christian (he's a Buddhist as it happens) but I found myself recoiling automatically from this suggestion.
I have some difficulty admitting that I am insane (certainly my drunken behaviour is, but I have managed to get by professionally / socially without being committed) and this ego-suppression seems to smack of brainwashing to me.
Many of the old-timers seem to do nothing but AA (which is cool but I have no desire to withdraw from my non-AA responsibilities) and weirdly often seem very troubled themselves. Angry.
I don't mean to knock AA or the people at the meetings. I will keep going, but these things concern me, as does the fact that any questioning or requests for clarification of the program seems to be met with more slogans.
So much of what I've been learning about makes perfect sense: a focusing on others rather than myself, living in the moment, a constant vigilance and adjustment of my behaviour and thought patterns, peer group support. 'Take what you want and leave the rest' is all very well, but doesn't ring true in the meetings I have been to, where some 'senior' members give the message that unless I do things precisely by the book then I am doomed to death. I don't want what those people have.
I am struggling with all of this and the fact that I don't feel at all able to raise these issues in a meeting (I have never heard anyone question or criticise aspects of AA in a meeting - it is like an unspoken taboo!) compounds things.
Any thoughts or comments would be very gratefully received. I don't mind at all that recovery is difficult and hard work, but the program is currently seeming much less flexible than previously and I'm concerned that I'll fall by the wayside.
Thanks everyone.