You already have some great posts that are close to my initial thoughts. I also liked what Ninja said about maybe changing your name & starting fresh (of course we want to continue to follow your story with references to your history here with us). I don't think you are a disgrace at all, just feeling that way at times. A positive name or one that inspires you might be beneficial. Even one that just feels right to you for some reason.
I am learning more & more that this is really more of a spiritual condition than anything else. It seems that the majority of us dont seem to have the self love we should have for one reason or another (or many reasons).
Be kind & gentle to yourself & think about what went wrong and make changes accordingly. If we all got this right perfectly right away there wouldnt be so many of us on here lol.
Take care DG, I know how it can feel to fall and the emotions that follow. From your posts you are a kinds wonderful human being and you are just going through some big changes/challenges right now.
You can do this & you deserve this. Know that, accept that and start a new dedicated action plan to beat this thing.
We are all with you here on this journey into sobriety as tough as it can be at times.
Keep posting and sharing with your friends here on SR.
Take Care,
NB