Erika -
Oh, sweetie! I have been kind of out of touch here for a few days - since last week when I last posted.. so I just read through here to see what has been going on with you over the past week or so. Sweet woman - NONE of us has not "been there" in our own way! Some of us are still right there with you, but those of us who have been able to stack up a few days in a row now can STILL remember our pain... and we are ALL subject to using again if we don't keep doing the things that help us stay clean on a DAILY basis. Beating yourself up will only help send you back out again and again. You can do this!
Just think about all the HUGE things you did in that one day to help yourself! You kept away from a drink, a drug... in incredible physical and probably mental and spiritual pain as well... but you did it! AND you picked up a phone and asked for MORE help, AND you got yourself to a meeting, AND you even let them meet you by getting yourself up there and accepting the white key tag. You can go back and get another white one... The more you go, the more you will see how many of us struggle with staying stopped - come in to RESURRENDER over and over again.
It is not a requirement to our path to keep using over and over again, though. We can stop! And that CCO of yours should have (at least I HOPE Higher Power will take care of this!) some repercussions for saying such heartless things to you... I am sure that that job can be somewhat disillusioning, but that is no excuse to just DOOM people to failure! No excuse is EVER a good excuse to pick up. You have seen with your own eyes that it can be done, and read it over and over again here with us. YOU CAN BE FREE FROM THIS PAIN.
Nobody here will do anything but offer you love and their experience, their strength, and their hope. Hang on one minute at a time and keep posting!
love to you, amanda