Thank you for posting this. I think all of us have felt that you are feeling. Perhaps knowing that you are not alone will give you a bit of fuel to go longer.
I think that the key is starting to work the steps. And I have not done this in meetings. I study the BB every evening and morning. I really look at what was not working when I was drinking.
I think once you start working on it, you'll see that you are carrying around resentments that are causing you to drink. Clear it out!!!!