Originally Posted by
Seeking Wisdom 
BrandiSue - My heart goes out to you .... such a tragic loss.
For me, the saddest part regarding those whose lives are lost to this baffling and deadly obsession... is knowing their lives didn’t have to end this way.
I had always hoped my AH would find the strength and clarity to find enduring sobriety, but it was not to be his fate as his once active and productive life came to a very brutal and tragic end. Everyday it is hard for me to accept that he could still be with his sons and I ... if he had made different choices.
These past few days, I have also been going through old photos of my AH while preparing a special gift tribute album for my husband’s mother this Mother’s Day. Those old photos are filled with memories of a happier time, when my AH was still strong and healthy, so many with him smiling proudly as he stood next to his sons while sharing joyful events together. His downhill transformation is still stunningly hard to comprehend. Now, sadly he will not see his sons’ graduate from college or share in any of their milestones and accomplishments ... things I know he would have been so proud of. I have made a sincere effort these last few years to share the many memories I have of their father...remembering the best in him.
So powerfully transforming, yet so heart wrenchingly tragic .... alcoholism senselessly steals away those that once had so much potential for a productive and healthy life. LIttle by little as it progresses, it leaves behind a trail of destruction and heart break .... and forever changing the lives of those they leave behind.
His struggles are now over and he is finally at peace. Keep remembering the best in him and the happiness he once brought into your lives ... and the joy you and your sons brought into his. May you and your sons find serenity during this challenging time. My thoughts are with you.
I have been doing pretty much the same thing since he died. I've made collages for his family and collages for me.
Today I finally took two pics that I took of him on the beach (a trip we took just a year ago!) to work. It's still very difficult for me to look at them sometimes but I always end up smiling. He looked so happy and healthy. It amazes me how quickly he went downhill. He went from 210 lbs a year ago to 121 lbs when he died. He was unrecognizable. I tried to warn his friends who hadn't seen him in a while but you truly cannot...not really. I'm still just shocked at how quickly this all happened.
I'm going through so many emotions right now. The other night I found myself shaking my fist at the heavens and yelling at him for doing this to me and to his family. Then I would burst into tears because I miss him so much. Such a waste. Such a damn waste.
I went into the study yesterday for the first time since he died. I found all of his AA books. I picked up the big book and started thumbing through it. As I did I noticed notes he'd made in the margins and paragraphs he'd highlighted. So he really did read it. There was a bookmark about 3 paragraphs from the end. On the bookmark was someone's name and phone number that I didn't recognize. I have a feeling this was the sponsor he was supposed to call but never did.
Anyway, it is still so painful and so sad.
Thanks for your post. I know you understand and I will continue to remember the good times and make sure the boys know as much as possible about their father too.