I agree w/ LTD-- I recreated the dynamic of my parent's marriage to a T. I thought I was avoiding that by NOT marrying an A like my father.
Ha. I just had to learn things the hard way I guess. The problems were within ME all the time. I had serious codependency issues and unfortunately I was doomed to repeat that DYNAMIC I learned from my parents no matter who I married.
I feel for you mentallyexH. I have known no loneliness greater than the loneliness and anguish I felt in my shi**y marriage. Cataloguing his disappointing behavior. Walking on eggshells, WAITING and settling for shreds of kindness and attention, while running the house and raising the babies. I am a runner and I used to be out jogging and turning over and over in my mind "How am I gonna get out of this, how am I gonna get out of this?" The day he flew off the handle and smashed up a bunch of stuff in the house in front of me and our 3 yr old son I thought "Holy crap, we're gonna be next!" And that's how I finally got out of it - by choosing to leave because enough was enough was enough and I was endangering everything I hold dear - especially my SANITY. In spite of all the difficulty of ending it (financial, emotional, social) it was probably the FIRST conscious and good relationship decision I had ever made in my life!
Divorce and therapy got me on a whole new track.
Keep an open mind. The whole entire world of possible healthy choices is right outside your doorstep. And you ARE free in this moment.
peace-
b