How Alanon Works or Co-Dependent No More are books that pop into my head, if he's willing to read them. Counseling with an addiction specialist or a Parents of Addicts group is also helpful. For me, I think I had a huge lightbulb go off as I sat in a Parents Group one night and heard the testimony of one father who had not one, but TWO addict sons. Both had even been to prison! He had been coming to the group for over 10 years and had much wisdom to share. He was calm. He was serene. How the hell did he DO THAT??? He detached and allowed them the dignity of being the master of their own lives. He stopped supporting them financially on every level. He got back to the business of living his own life.
The thing that I keep in mind is this: What purpose is served by us ALL going down with the addict? He's gonna go down one way or the other given enough time...with or without our help. If/when he does go down, how are things made better by my own psychological, marital & financial destruction? I have another child who is trying hard to succeed.... shouldn't I be focused on her? If not, what happens to her?