357girl - thank you for sharing your story. Wow, that is one wild ride you've been on. I sincerely hope your daughter is on a new path now, one that will lead her out of addiction to true happiness and good health - of body, soul, and spirit. Being a mother myself I can well imagine what it's been like for you, mostly your mother's heart, though my own situation does not seem to have progressed to what you've shared....
You asked what drug my daughter is addicted to. Based on a bruised left arm, syringe wrappers in her trash, stamp-sized bags with white powder residue that I have found on her nightstand, tiny pupils... we believe it is still heroin. She's tried other drugs, too. In Hawaii it was ecstasy....
A few months ago we realized she had begun stealing from us - over a period of several weeks $300 went missing from purse and dresser drawer. My husband set up a camera in our room and we caught her, came down hard on her, and nothing else has gone missing since. We've been watching and monitoring like hawks and when I heard you mention how you walked around at night with your purse? That breaks my heart....
In the past two years, since she came home from Hawaii, she has been to the emergency room three times, detox, rehab, counseling, suboxone... she even went into a serious withdrawal (cramps, leg shakes, diarrhea) right here at home once, which I "went through" with her, for 37 hours straight. (This was right after we confirmed she was stealing from us and we told her she had to get out by the end of the weekend but it didn't happen...) She clung to me during that time, weeping for how she messed up her life while I stroked her hair and said, "It's going to be okay... it's going to be okay..." The words were for me as much as for her. When "we" finally came through the worst of it, she came to cuddle in bed with me that bright sunny morning and the face that looked into mine was the face of my little girl again, a beautiful portrait of love and serenity. It was a precious gift to me, to see she is in there still.
Another reason we believe she's still using is she is not saving money like she should be. Living at home here, her big expenses have been cell phone, gas, and books for school. She has yet to pay for her spring semester tuition and also a $450 ticket she received for retail theft (pretty expensive tampons, right?) Bottom line, she made over $14,000 last year waitressing and has not much to show for it. When she last went into the emergency room she told my husband that her heroin habit cost $50 a day. I don't know what it is costing her now, money-wise that is.
She is functional, at present. But it seems she is functioning solely for her drug. She, too, can make it appear QUITE otherwise. I am sure we have fallen for it more times than not.
The reason we want her out of the house is she is obviously breaking house rules, and she has used up all her chances and grace. We've become aware of how we're enabling her here and, sometimes, love must be tough. It has been my constant and pleading prayer thru all this - how to best love her.
For the most part, she has a good attitude about moving out. She's moving in with two other girls, both college students. It's what she wants, living with other students or people her age, like it was her first years in college. I'm just very afraid she is living in huge denial right now, about her own state. I can only hope that the dignity that can come with having to be responsible for herself will outweigh her pull toward drugs. That probably sounds really naive....
Sometimes *I* worry that we are reading things wrong... I mean how horrible it would be for me/us to not be trusting her, when in fact it is deserved. When in fact she IS making positive strides. But - trust has been shattered and will take time to rebuild, along with right actions, not right words. In my heart, as much as I don't want it to be true, I think she is still walking a destructive path.
Thanks again for sharing your story.