Peter G

Well I'm 9 days away from my first 30 days. Day 21 now and I thought I'd update how things are in my early sobriety.

First things first, I had a HUGE SUPER MASSIVE Test Of Doom the other day. When I was a drunk my wife bought us tickets to Deep Purple (w/ Steve Morse). Now for me, any concert night would end in a massive drunk. The usual way it would happen is... I'd have a few belts to get me going, get to the show wherein the need for more booze would take over. As always with me, at that point it's copious amounts of beer during the show, to stabilize my alcoholism I guess. And after every show it was pub/clubs where I would spend every cent I had getting as drunk as humanly possible. And then it was home, where I would pretend to sleep so my wife would fall out, sneak out to the den where my hidden stash of Vodka/JD would cause a blackout and the start of yet another lengthy visit to hell.

This time was different in so many ways. By the time we left for the show I was almost militant about not drinking. I went stone sober, and after the show I sent my wife to the pub with our friends but wouldn't go in. I left her there with an apology that I wasn't ready for that kind of action, and had the cab continue on, taking me home. Worst part for me was at the show when everyone started drinking, and my wife's cousin (former drinking buddy) buys me a beer. For a few seconds I had it in my hand and almost felt obligated to drink it, just because it was bought for me. How nuts is that? I didn't drink it though, instead handing it off to my wife discretely.

For the whole show I smelled the booze on everyone sitting around me and was literally disgusted with it. I swear when I was moving through the crowds before finding our seats I could have told you exactly what a person had drank before the show, just by smell alone. Also, in our seats I saw how the alcohol was affecting my friends and found it both sad and a bit ridiculous. Thought to myself "how could I ever appreciate a band when I was so off my face for their shows?" Then I thought about how much my own performances have suffered over the years from being 2 sheets to the wind every night I gigged. At that point I got extremely angry with myself, knowing that my craft - something I had worked extremely hard at for most of my developing years - had taken serious hits from that bloody drug.

Anyways, long story short... in the taxi on the drive home I made a decision to get a bottle and pound it back alone, because I was just angry, sad, a bit lonely, and also because I had a strange feeling of melancholy about not being able to hang out with my wife and friends. I think I was most angry about how alcohol had become the focal point of pretty much every social event in my life - and felt I was fighting a losing battle. I guess I was a bit overwhelmed by it all, so for a few minutes on the drive home I decided to give up/give in.

However, by the time I got out of the taxi I didn't get the bottle - which I believe must have been some form of divine intervention. Somehow I completely forgot about my decision to give in, walked right by the store with racks of booze, got to my house wherein I realized just how stupid getting a bottle would have been at that point. Once inside I fired up SR and read some posts which further steeled my resolve, ate some serious junk food, played a stupid a$$ facebook game for hours and in the end I stayed sober.

So that was my biggest test yet and I passed. Next morning I actually felt proud of myself.

At any rate, here it is Day 21 and for anyone out there with less days than me and scared as I was, I can tell you this: The cravings do get less ominous, and the thoughts that you'll never make it start to give way to thoughts that you may actually be capable. I never thought I'd say this but I can now actually picture a life of sobriety and I can see how much more interesting and fulfilling it would be. The fog dissipates more with each sober day, and when you have a clear head you WILL start to remember that you were fairly frikin cool WITHOUT a bloody drink in your hand. Most importantly, the one thing I had been lacking for almost 20 years is now back in my heart and soul. HOPE.