Not a good day for me, emotionally. (warning: may be triggering)
Had my doctor appointment today so that I could be tested for Hep C, HIV, etc. I'm supposed to call early next week to get my test results. I've been trying really hard to not beat up on myself, but it's hard to not think things like 'what kind of an idiot has unprotected sex with an intravenous drug user that has Hep C and who knows what else?'. I do try not to let those thoughts linger too long in my head though.
And the truth is that I've been doing really well since ending things with my ex, about two months ago. I haven't been obsessing and worrying, and I've been working hard to take care of myself. But part of taking care of myself is facing the potential consequences of my actions, and taking appropriate measures like seeing a doctor to get tested. And that stuff doesn't feel so good, it's a little different than the 'take a bubble bath' kind of taking care of yourself.
Just having to say the words to the doctor felt really crappy, the shame really kicked in. And so in that frame of mind I then went to the lab to get blood drawn. I am really not too fond of needles and get dizzy easily, and to top it off I have really small veins...anyway, it took the girl about 45 minutes to draw blood. It hurt so much, she tried both arms multiple times and wanted to try my hands but I refused. She finally used a 'hot pack' on my arm and was able to find a vein. The entire time I was sitting there I kept thinking about my ex and it really hit home that he does this crap to himself voluntarily, in fact he loves it and misses that needle when he's not using. Something about that made me so sick to my stomach and all kinds of emotions were just slamming me while I was sitting there getting stuck and injured.
That sick feeling and the shame has stuck with me the rest of the day. I'm such a perfectionist that I never quite know how to handle it when I feel like I've 'messed up'. But the truth is that I have been 'messing up' a lot, in many different ways, for awhile now and pretending like it wasn't happening, and now is the time for me to start fixing things. I'm just having trouble facing the music without feeling like it's destroying my self-worth. It was all too easy to focus on my ex and his myriad of problems, and to ignore the things falling apart in my own life, but now I don't have that excuse anymore.
That's all, just needed to vent a little.