some thoughts, LeaA,
your man's mother has allowed her children to be raised in alcoholism and abuse yet hides behind some idea of "Christianity"
my cousin's husband was raised in an extremely strict, fundamentalist christian home. the abuse he recieved was incredible. i personally have a distaste for these types of movements, because they tend to be so black-and-white, and many families function under the "wives be subservient to your husbands" model. what those whom i know (the very conservative christians) that do NOT behave this way believe, however, is the next part: "husbands, love your wives as christ loves the church" there is tremendous mutual respect and caring.
unfortunately, for my cousin and her husband, he simply could not overcome the massive shame that he felt about himself, could not undo all the damage. after 20 years of marriage and with two teen-aged daughters, he one night stepped in front of an oncoming train.
which is chicken and which is egg? i understand your need to understand and make sense of who he is, but at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.
How can a smart women deal with emotional abuse? Clearly my boyfriend is trying to exploit some tender spot he sees in me to take the focus away from dealing with his own issues and childhood trauma.
i think you're right on here. i think the only way to "deal" with abuse like this, is to decide that having him in your life is important enough, the bad outweighs the good, and you suck it up. there is no "training", "teaching" or "influencing" him to effect a positive outcome. perhaps if he got sober he would have a turnaround, but - and i know i'm not an expert - i think the odds are against that.
i have had three very significant people in my life who are addicts: ex-husband, significant other, and my mother. pretty much never were they abusive on the scale that you mentioned. their "abuse" was much more covert, subtle, more about just being selfish and passively angry, or manipulative. i've never been ordered to do something by the man in my life, nor have i even had someone put their hands on me. so i think this is a HUGE warning sign to you.
can you speak about the no-job situation, and what you might be trying to do to change that?