Originally Posted by Kittyboo

[Iwant.... this reminds me of how I would be thinking. I hope I verbalize this correctly, my mind is all over the place at the moment...lol

I would try to have adult conversations with my XA. And at the time, he would seemingly have them back. I would tell him the things that hurt me and why.....he seemed so understanding at the time. Would even apologize for things that he said that he knew hurt me. I thought this was proof that he really is aware of his actions, and that we could work through anything...even as "friends".
When I look back, I realize they were nothing more than conversations in which he could come across like he cared. He NEVER really cared.
Whether anything will actually change - maybe, but if it doesn’t I am making sure that I will be OK.
This is the sentence that stuck with me because I would say "maybe things will change...BUT if they don't i'm just focused on me,"
No I wasn't. In saying that "maybe things will change"...I was still focused on things maybe changing. And when I realized they were not going to change...ever, then even more hurt and disappointment set in. It's that "but" in the sentence that allows you to hold on.

When he "apologized" to me. I said to myself, "he's going to have to prove to me that he's really sorry." Translated-- I am going to wait for him to prove to me, and I am going to expect him to prove it to me. Result- A world of pain all over again.
Everytime I even thought for one iota that things were changing, that he was sorry.....he proved once again that he wasn't. He didn't just prove that he didn't care, he then did the classic passive aggressive emotional abuse which I am not blind too, which meant he was purposefully trying to hurt me.

What I have come to realize is that truly focusing on me means not even wondering if things are going to change. It means literally cutting this person out of my life so that they do not exist to me anymore. Easy? No. Painful? Beyond belief.
There is absolutely no wondering anymore if he is going to change because he doesn't get a chance to anymore. There is no possibility of it. There is no wondering. I have been coming to terms with losing him for almost a year now....a riduculous amount of time for myself.... and it has taken so long because I always thought that "maybe he would change, maybe he would prove to me through his actions how sorry he is".

I've seen a couple of people make reference to allowing them to live rent free in your head.
Well, I was thinking about that today, and it's not rent free. It is something that costs me dearly, every single day. It is the highest price there is.

What I hope for you is that you eventually stop having to wrestle with this in your mind. And you can remove yourself completely from this cycle. It is a cycle. Removing yourself is the only way of ensuring your own sanity, well being and that is the ONLY way that you will be making sure that you are really OK.