I was never too good at putting myself first, every time I wanted to leave the guilt was too great and I 'd cave in.
The way I'm dealing with that guilt now is by putting my children first, I don't think about what I need or want, but what's best for them.
At this point it quite easy for me to decide what's best for my kids, as my 6 yo son has started to wet the bed again, and has all kinds of fears about a lot of things. My AH is not an ugly drunk, he's never mean to kids or me, but there is no healthy family dynamics in our home, and kids feels it, and are affected by it.
Just as I'm writting this I'm getting ready to take my son to the doctors to see what can we do about his problems.
It doens't feel good, especially since I'm aware that it's not only my AH's fault, it's my fault too, for letting my kids go through all this mess and not protecting them from it.
I can tell you, this guilt is much greater than any guilt I ever felt in regard to my AH.
Hope this hepls
Hugs