You start to hold your head up again right now. You finally "got it" and this can be the last time you ever put yourself through this. I did the same thing - one last time I had to prove to myself that it wasn't just a matter of willpower! I kept insisting I could moderate. I almost lost my life proving that I could not touch alcohol - any control I may have had in my early drinking days was not coming back.
You are armed with precious knowledge now - and it can be used to take you to where you want to be. It's going to be ok, you are going to rise above this. I'm glad you came here and talked about it! We care about you and are behind you all the way.