I just had a good day, even all the drug references didn't bother me. An old dealer called me to wish me a happy holiday (it's 4/20 y'all) and offer up some pot and speed. I guess he called one of my old drug buddies too because old drug buddy called me, trying to get me to party. It usually really rattles me when this happens, I end up upset and edgy and crying about how much I hate it all. It's hard to say no to him in particular; of all the people I partied with he's the only one I actually care about. And I know it's not a good idea to keep this guy around because he still wants to party but he's also the only one with any real potential to quit. He's working on it, but he's well behind me.
It was the first time I didn't get rattled or upset. It was also the first time I really didn't want to party; I didn't have to fight myself about it. The thought occurred to me that he might call someone else and party without me, and almost before the thought was finished in my head I thought, well who cares? Two days from now when he comes down he'll call me and say he never should have done it, he didn't have the money, I was smart not to, and how cruddy he feels because he did. What, exactly, am I missing out on?
So I stopped answering my phone, ignored his texts, and went out for pizza and frozen yogurt with these two girls I've been hanging out with a little bit. And I had so much more fun! We giggled and gossiped and had a good time and I realized this is what I really was missing out on while I was doing dope, not the other way around.
I can count on these things happening because I didn't use today:
~I will sleep tonight.
~I will wake up tomorrow feeling decent (aside from this respiratory pestilence, which would be much worse if I smoked or snorted meth)
~I will not spend the next 3 days on the couch feeling miserable.
~I can slack off tonight and do my homework tomorrow before class instead of struggling through it for hours because my mind isn't right.
~I won't feel disconnected, sweaty, and nervous for 2 days.
~I will actually go to class tomorrow (alright. I might not make my 8:30 class, but not because I'm on dope. Rather because I'm on SC at 1:30 in the morning).
~I will not owe anyone money and no one will owe me money
~I will still be broke, but I will not be any worse off
~I won't hate myself
~I will not be cranky and mood-swingy and crazily emotional, crying for no reason for the next month
There's more, I could go on for ages. But it's late and I have an 8:30 class
Goodnight