Thank you all for your replies, you're all really supportive and said some things I really needed to hear, even if they're not always the easiest thing to hear.
I'm going to reply to you guys separately because that just seems to be the easiest way.
NeoMarx- You're right. Right now I don't know WHAT I want. I want to be happy. I want to get back with my ex-fiance and I want a lot of things I can't have but the things I can control like getting sober...I don't want those things. It just feels like I don't want anything sometimes. It's hard to explain.
Dee-
I couldn't do that. I mean I never thought about it like that before...but I don't think I could not drink for thirty days. I really don't. It's been SO long since I've even gone a few days without drinking. I haven't really tried but even now after last night I'm sitting here drinking again. I mean there's been days where I didn't drink and I felt that urge to drink, to get that feeling you get when you drink...and I know it's not the right way to deal with stuff and it's not going to help me get over my brother or my broken heart but... I do it anyway. I have another appt with my therapist in a couple of weeks. I haven't seen her in a while because I just started another job so my schedule has been insanely packed but I will be honest with her when I do.
New Beg-
That's what I tell myself sometimes. That my denial of having a problem is JUST like everyone else. But then there is this voice in my head that says I'm different because I could stop if I got my ex back or my brother back or happiness or this or that...I'm always looking for ways to separate myself from those people who have done the same thing I'm doing. And while I can recognize that there is this stubborn thought/feeling in my mind that I am different even if I can't logically justify it. It's like I argue with myself...
Kmb- I'm glad to know I'm not alone in drinking because of a relationship ending/general life stress. I'm praying for your husbands safe return. Is he in the special forces? (I just ask bc you say mission and my brother was in the spec. forces and thats the type of terminology he used as well)
Fran
I guess what youre saying is kind of hard to hear. Because yeah people lose the ones they love all the time but that doesn't make it any easier. That doesn't make it hurt any less. My brother died protecting this country. It's because of him and others like him that we stay safe and he's my hero. But he was also my best friend. We were REALLY close. He was my big brother and he was seriously the most wonderful, amazing brother ever and he should not have died at 26 years old. I'm not saying that it justifies what I'm doing and I know you probably just meant I can't let this ruin my life but right now I just can't get over that though I guess what you're saying is that's obvious because I'm NOT dealing. It's only been in the past month that I've admitted out loud/online that my brother died. For 6 months I just like pretended he never existed...maybe this is the first step in dealing with that. I don't know.
JustJo
I am so deeply incredibly sorry about your sister. I really am. Your reply was a real eye opener for me. If I ever killed myself from alcohol poisoning or alcohol related death...it would kill my parents. They are good people. They already lost a son, they can't afford to lose a daughter. I can't do that to them. I say I would never overdo it to that level but who really knows? It scares me to think about that. Right now I can say I'm hurting no one but myself but the truth is this can hurt the people I love. And you're right. My brother and your sister would NOT want us to be so unhappy. My brother would be SO angry with me if he knew what I was doing. He would seriously drag my @ss to rehab weather I thought I needed to go or not. We all talked about the possibility of him dying in family therapy when he joined the army but we never thought it'd really happen but he told me the one thing he wanted from me was to be happy and know he died for a country he loved to protect. So I know he wouldn't like what I'm doing at all.
Least
I guess it's because deep down I know I have a problem with alcohol. But I guess due to denial and just...reasons I can use to justify not being one, I can't admit or truly have faith in saying I'm an alcoholic. It's like part of me can see it and the other part refuses to accept it. I guess maybe I was looking for people to say “Youre not an alcoholic, you dont belong here” etc but the more and more I read replies and posts from others, the more and more I see that maybe I do have a bigger problem than I think. And yet despite all that there is still this part of me that refuses to accept that as truth.
Once again thanks to all of you for your replies. It is greatly apprciated.