Thank you. I guess I just have a hard time sorting through these painful emotions. They overpower me a lot. And then I start to feel so bad. I start to wonder if he is okay or if he is sad... But why? He says I hate him and that he is sad and he cares about me. But that is such BS and I know it. Yet, I still feel so sorry for him because I love him and I don't want to hurt him. He HURTS me daily so why the F--- do I care!? I really truly hate this.
Anvil - you are right. It is about time he has an interview, it is about time he gets his crap because he knows I will not pay it now that I have been in contact with a lawyer. But Naive also hit it on the nail - I know he is working on the unit now but is he going to get drunk tomorrow, not go to the interview and not get the rest of it cleaned out?! Who knows. So I think my anxiety stems from not knowing what to expect. It is like I am happy he is doing this IF it gets done but I am not sure it is really going to get done because I have no idea when his next drink will be... (I could care less about the interview because it's not my problem, but the storage unit is in my name so I want that done)
And then I start to go back in my brain and think that I am making the wrong decision. When I am feeling crappy about something, my lovely brain likes to remind me of all the good times... All the fun, all the promises, all the plans we had for the future. I miss talking to him (or so my brain tells me) and I miss seeing him or touching him...
Naive - there is really not an optional place for me to leave his things. When I say he has nothing, I literally means he has NOTHING - except for what somebody in my other thread so kindly pointed out (can't remember who it was but THANK YOU) his abusive brother, mother and father. He has not one friend, no car, no house, no job, nothing. And the only place I could take it to would be his parents house and I am more afraid of them than I am of him. Since there is a restraining order, the cops need to come with him to get his things - I would be okay with that.
Stella - you are SO right. I think I would much rather him treat me like sh*t all the time. Then I could just go on being angry with him and not caring... But that is where the manipulation comes into play.
My emotions are conflicting... I feel bad, I want him in my life and I love him and it hurts but then I am so angry and so frustrated with the binging and the lies and the manipulation and I want him nowhere near me.
Sometimes I feel crazy...
I went outside (It's cold) and I got on my deathboard which just happened to be in my car (deathboard = snowboard with skateboard wheels attached to it). This is some new, crazy, scary, fun hobby I am picking up... Of course, being almost 30 and not fearless, I don't do anything fancy and I am scared to go faster than walking speed but it cleared my head a bit - made me forget for a bit and I got some fresh, brisk air. I can't concentrate on him when I am trying to concentrate on not breaking my arms, legs or pelvis! I need to remember to do things like this in order to make my emotions go into something else other than him...