Welcome to SR. Your explanation of feeling weak was interesting. You are actually feeling your emotions and when those emotions are "uncomfortable" you medicate. Its pretty common and part of recovery is learning to face life head on. Give recovery a try and you will learn to love yourself again. You feel shame of the alcohol side of your personality and I would wager you a bet that most everyone that is an alcoholic isn't proud of that side of themselves. Recovery provides an opportunity to fall in love with the person you were created to be.