La tee Da-
Your words are so true, and I was doing really well with all of that. I actually thought I had a good foothold in not caring/ not engaging. I just, as exA would say,"took my foot off the snake".
I know what he is doing at any time has nothing to do with me, or her for that matter. Hell, he even took my side that night, he reprimanded her for butting in, asked her to leave me alone. He also left the bar with me to "support" me. I freaked on him. The last two days have been him leaving messages, clarifying his relationship with her--admitting it for probably the first time in ever, and, saying he would take all my pain away if he could...Then, of course, the late night calls came calling me a %6&8*@!
No, it doesn't have anything to do with me. You are right. He was to go on an audition yesterday, did not do it, and said it was because I broke up HIS "serenity"...Yes, he used THAT word.
He has blown off endless opportunities for years whether I was engaging him or not. I just put myself back into the position in his mind where he can blame me.
Kittyboo-
It does remind me of that toxic world. It is so dark. And he is there EVERY night. Used to be all day and night. It is his domain, his universe.
I do not feel so bad about yelling at her. I do not feel embarrassed that all those people saw me lose my sh*t. I am embarrassed with and by myself. I acted trashy. I sunk to his level, in his domain. I am also somewhat of a psuedo celebrity, and people think that makes you fair game. I lowered my own stock, but its not like anyone was like, "god..where does she get off?"
As a matter of fact, when I said to her she was one of a hundred girls, and she should consider that a public service announcement, I said everyone here knows it...The bartender nodded, the doorman said,"Thats true,but you still need to go", LOL.
I am full of rage at bar girls. It s a waste of my precious energy, but, I just see her, and all of them before her...
I am one persons' everything. One child.
Some people grant themselves a much larger margin for error than others:
My son does not stop needing me because I am weak for a minute or a week- or god forbid, a month or more! His father is just okey dokey with letting go of the reins, because I have them well in hand...most of the time.
Some days it is just too much to take in the scope of uncertainty that he faces...with his father, with his tumor...and the instinct is to go to the "partner" who shared creation of this being, try to get some footing, get some kind of gauge: do I have any support? IS there anybody else here?
And there sits the bar girl with a chip on her shoulder, real life at arms length, myopic view...no idea of what is at stake, of what water has passed under these bridges...She is sitting there, thinking that she will save him from this awful psycho ex. She will be the antidote. she is lost..
Only concerned with pissing on her new territory. She thinks its a popularity contest. And I am insulted and annoyed by her and her f%*king lipgloss, buzzing, hovering around a real person who has a real issue, truly concerned, in spite of all the hurt.
Poor thing does not even realize she is only the monkeys new banana. She will be an empty peel before long. It was truly an annoyance, and I feel like I deserve more respect. So, yes. I am reminded of all that trashy toxic crap.
Keep:
no, I would not want him back. I am lonely, though, and I resent his ability to find warm bodies and shoulders to cry on so easily. It hurts.
Thumper-
I do not actively even try to keep him from his dad, at this point. I just stopped actively ACCOMODATING his whacko terms. He does not even fight that. He said, before the girl interrupted, that he knows he is not well, and he just cannot see his son now, because he does not know how to act. Said he is still trying, again, to get himself to a place where he can be stable and provide for him. No plan to see a Dr. no plan for recovery. Its just so tragic for the 5 year old. He just misses his dad, and makes up reasons for why: "maybe daddy forgot where we live." "Maybe daddy is busy working."
He also knows his dad is troubled. And he will say that too.
As far as the periods go: I am 41. I have been having this issue with my periods for a long time, but, it has gotten worse, and it is also starting sooner after ovulation, seems every month, now.
I have a marked shift in mood, and in my ability to process stress. I had a bad reaction to anti depressants two years ago, and I am convinced that exercise will help a lot. A friend just funded me a few months at the gym to help with that. I am blessed and grateful for that. I just got started on the gym, which is my trying to walk back up the hill. I just feel like I slid down a bit this weekend.
celtic--
I also have had it out with my As mom. We decided not to discuss him at all anymore. She is very hands off, and invested in denial. She is a major part of my sons life, and her and his grandpa are pretty generous and helpful otherwise. They have always been on my side, but...They dont want the drama. I have to accept that.
Anvil---
I was trying to gather evidence, trying to get the picture again...It is a trick that I play on my mind, though. He talks out of both sides of his mouth ALWAYS, so, I dont know why I even waste the time.
Taking--
definitely fantasy. No prize. I know that, but... I know I have said this before, he is a con man, and even after knowing that, learning that...I still fake myself into thinking I want to just hear him say he cares what is going on with us. Its a trick of my mind.
Thanks, everyone. I am just going to keep on truckin.