It's been awhile since I posted here, since last September I believe, and just wanted to share.
At that time I have just left my AH, but soon enough took him back, it wasn't because he promissed to change ( he hardly promised anything) but because I couldn't do it, just didn't have it in me. But I wasn't too hard on myself because of it, just figured I wasn't ready yet, and I also figured I need to accept myself for who I am as much as I need to accept him for who he is. I stopped fighting it and accepted my life for what it is. Stopped looking at it in terms of: This isn't the way it is supposed to be, it isn't normal, it isn't good, if he only...
I just said to myself: ok , this is what I got now, I don't have it in me to change it right now, I don't care what anyone thinks, and don't care it is not what I want (life hardly ever is), I CAN'T CHANGE HIM (CAN'T CHANGE EVEN MYSELF AT THE MOMENT) ... and it was liberating... I accepted my life and my marriage for what it is and that was the biggest step for me.
And than I realized it is only as bad as I let it to be. And than slowly I stared enjoying my life again. My life! For such a long time I was in a limbo, completly anaware I had a life that is not related and affected by my AH actions. I understood something I should have known long time ago: I am a separate person, I am me and I have only one life. Never again will I be 37, my kids 11 and 6, and it made me enjoy every second of a day.
Yesterday I took my son to the park, we were there for 2 hours, he was playing with a dog, I was just sitting on the bench, looking at trees and grass around me, thinking how beautiful life is. I was genuinly happy, without having to force myself to feel as I imagine one should feel.
I have my bad moments too, but I'm working on it: I am lerning not to talk to him: trying to make him understand, reason with him. That is hard as old habits die hard, but I'm getting better at it. I still sometimes feel angry or sad, but I don't feel the despair any more. I broke from the vicious circle of everyday arguing and explaining, I'm breathing again...
And for my AH, he is not doing too good, he has lost a lot of weight recently, but refusing to see a doctor, and I'm coming to terms with it too, as I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, I did told him few times to go to the doctors but he says he's fine. OK than. I finally know I don't have any control over it, over any of it.
Sometimes when he comes home in the evening and he's fast asleep in armchair few seconds later I watch him to check if he is breathing. But now I don't feel the panic, maybe it is horrible to say, but I'm just kind of waiting for it, as I know it is inevitable (We know for a while his liver is demaged), and I take it for what it is: his choice or his inability to change it or whatever it is, it is not up to me...
All I know is: I don't know that the next day will bring, I might wake up one morning and it be just the easiest thing to ask him to leave or I might stay here all along watching him drink himself to the grave, I honestly don't know, but whatever it is it's not stopping me to do my nails and my hair, take my kids out and enjoy the day, as one thing is for sure: life can be painful and beautiful in the same time, but above all it is a miracle, so I'm taking baby steps and hoping good times are ahead of me, as I'm finally ready to let them in my life...
