Old 04-17-2010, 09:21 PM
  # 417 (permalink)  
gneiss
Never settle.
 
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
I've been doing a lot better by trying to focus on positive stuff, exercising, doing stuff like photography that I like. But the fact of the matter is I'm furious at some of the stuff that happened while I was doing drugs, some of it was my fault, some of it was other people's fault. I haven't figured out how to move on, let it go. I feel like I keep rehashing the same stuff over again. Until I did drugs I was always so good at forgiving people, not worrying about past wrongs, and I can't seem to do it now. For one thing I've usually been able to address it with that person and once it's been addressed, even if we still don't agree, it's over. I don't have that chance, I still see these people but it's not even worth the effort of trying to address it with them. It'll make the situation worse, give me new reasons to resent them. I remind myself that I'm not perfect, that I've done some pretty horrible things to these people as well, and that all of this was done in the framework of drug addictions. Everything any of us did was with the goal of scoring dope, and it didn't really matter who got hurt.

Furthermore, I feel like that victim sort of feeling, like everyone has wronged me and it's all their fault not only puts a lot of pressure on me but also keeps me closer to drugs. I never saw it when I was doing dope but people I see now who are addicted to drugs always have something to say about how they were wronged. Maybe it's one way to justify using.

I've become a passive-aggressive b!tch basically and it's not fun. But I can't figure out how to get over it.
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