I'll try and make a long story very short so I don't prattle on and bore people to death.
I'm 39. My dad has over 20 yrs in AA and my older bro has about 15. I was in and out of AA meetings as a kid (with my dad, not as an alcoholic). I was into Alateen for a while and then later, Alanon. I did my 12 steps. I'm familiar with how the program works and how Alcoholism works and affects family dynamics.
My mom and all her side of the family are pretty moderate about drinking. A glass of wine with dinner is not uncommon at my mom's house. That's the side of the family I fell into. I could take it or leave it. A six-pack of beer could sit in my fridge for 2 weeks or 2 months.
Flash forward to 2005: Met my soul mate. Got married for the first time. Was overjoyed to have 2 beautiful step-sons. Life was good. I was ready to settle down and be a momma and wife.
Flash forward again to 2010: The ex took the kids and we lost a lot of visitation time. I had 4 miscarriages, my last one occurring Christmas of 2009. I have been told no more - no kids. It's not going to happen. We were sued by the ex and along with my husband's burdens of debt from that 1st marriage had to declare Chapter 13. We moved to a small town where DH finally found a stable job, which was a huge change from eviction notices and getting food at the local food bank. However, we live in a small rural community and I have struggled. I gave up my career goals to be here and have really floundered job wise. I think, after 4 years, I may have found my niche, but man, it's been hard. I have struggled for 5 years with mil and a few weeks ago she physcially assaulted me in my home in front of my step-sons. The police were called and child services got involved. Now my happy marriage is under the gun and we need counseling, which DH has agreed to. I am also in grief counseling myself.
Somewhere in all this mess I changed: I'm no longer the take it or leave it girl. I'm the have to have it girl. I started drinking coffee again. I smoke about 2 times a week to calm my nerves - I've never smoked before. I drink every night to destress. I'm on meds from the doc to help with depression and anxiety, and as I said, I'm in counseling and take herbs and vitamins to try and help keep me balanced and somewhat healthy. I've stopped exercising all together. I'm also seeing someone for spritual guidance.
That's where I am at. If alcoholism is just a symptom of a bigger problem then do I really need to worry about becoming a card carrying member of AA? I live in a small enough town that if I were to go to the one or two meetings a week we have, people will talk and I could lose the new job I just got. I'm not making this up. People around here don't like drug addicts and alcoholics. Not to mention the shame and embarrassment DH's family would express, which would furhter aggrivate the mil situation and further harm my marriage. Anonymity is important and I just won't have that here.
I'm doing everything I can to right things in my life and get a handle on my grief and pain after losing 4 babies. I just switched counselors and am trying Cognitive Behavorial Therapy. I'm going to begin a series of meditation classes soon.
Sorry for rambling. I gues this did end up being long. Sorry.