yes, I can relate to that. Sounds like classic binge-drinking cycles to me. I used to manage a maximum of 3 weeks and then come the third weekend I was absolutely gagging to get obliterated. I was excited for days about my session. It would keep me awake at night thinking about it and I would meticulously plan picking the booze up and getting enough ciggies and drugs in. I was usually blacked out after a couple of hours and it was all downhill from there just drinking and drugging around the clock getting more and more sick.
I had to surrender and admit total and utter defeat to king alcohol. I would never be able to beat booze and it would always beat me down into the dirt eveerytime. I totally and wholeheartadly accepted that I was an alcoholic and that drinking booze was no-longer an option for me 'just for today'. Booze cannot be an option if you want to stay sober. More than nayhting though I was done with booze. It had beaten me and smashed me down as low as I wanted to go. I don;t think I could have safely gone down much lower mentally without serious repercussions.
I had to go to AA. I had to embrace sobriety and my alcoholism and try to use it as a positive rather than a negative. I know that booze would take me to jail, institution or death and I didn't want to go to any when I was sober. When drunk I couldn't care less as long as there was more booze.
I am an alcoholic. Most other people aren't. For me I don't drink alcohol 'just for today'. By working on my recovery then this becomes just a natural way of life and is much more rewarding than bingeing on booze and drugs ever was. It was good for a fleeting time but never worth the terrible cost that it would come with.