Thanks Carol, you are very kind and I think you are right. I did go to an AA meeting back in september when I first decided I was an alchy...it was ok and I thought it was cool that a bunch of people got together and talked about their drinking problem...I did have a problem with the fact that just about everyone smoked there...I don't smoke unless I drink and that was a major trigger for me...so I didn't want to hang around a place that seemed to almost promote smoking...I could almost see me hanging out there and smoking with them and then hurrying home to drink...pretty messed up but that is the way it was for me. I might give it another try but I don't want to go to meetings just to not drink and hang out with people that think smoking is fine as long as you don't drink. I am pretty much 100% on or off...I am such an extremist...I've tried raw food diets, paleo diets, the best I ever felt was when I quit drinking, smoking and everything and ran 10k 3 times a week and lifted weights twice a week...I felt like superman, but eventually I got bored cuz I felt like I was missing out on so many fun times cuz I was going to bed at 10pm every night, I read veraciously and it seems all great stories and adventures don't espouse staying home and going to bed at 10pm and not exploring all that is available in life...it seems you have to decide you will no longer get ******** and messed up just to feel better...but in the end we all die of something...I don't want to be on my death bed and think "thank god I got a good night sleep and didn't feel vulnerable because I was out late" ..I can't stand mediocrity where you just hang out and smoke cigs and talk about how you don't drink...way to boring...god I feel like a lost cause but that is me. I am 43 years old 5' 11" 160 lbs and in great shape, I can't sit around with a bunch of smokers talking about how life is so cool now that they don't drink...I would rather drink. I know, messed up but that is who I am. But obviously I have a problem with drinking because I am here....maybe just posting here with people like you will help me...I hope so. I does make me feel better because people like you care. Thank you