Hi DMKK,
My story is the same as yours in many ways. You might want to go back and read my posts but in a nutshell I was with my exA (who said alcohol "is a problem" and who does NOT believe that "alcoholic" is an appropriate label) for almost a year. I use the abbreviation "exA" because it's easier when I post, but it's true that it's not up to me to place the label on someone else.
Like you, what I came to understand for myself is that whether or not "alcoholic" is an accurate term I couldn't live with the combination of behaviors in the relationship, one of the behaviors being the importance of alcohol in day-to-day life. For me, a glass of wine when I'm at dinner with friends is a pleasant experience, a complement to the meal, etc. However, beyond that, it's just not important. My exA (who became my "ex" just this week) acknowledges that alcohol is "enjoyed" or "thought about" EVERY DAY. When it wasn't around it wasn't talked about and it was easy for me to "forget" how important it might be to someone who has a significant relationship with the stuff. It was my way of pretending that this relationship could/might be "enough" for me.
Then there were the lies. "No, that's not alcohol you smell on my breath, it's mouthwash, maybe your sense of smell is off"; "No, I haven't had contact with the married person I had an affair with just before we began dating" (then it would come to light that there had been contact); "No one else has ever questioned my drinking before" (when in the past it had been acknowledged that others had brought it up), etc. There were many, many manipulations, but I could never seem to grasp them in the moment but after contact would feel like I'd been slugged up side the head with a blunt instrument...with no idea how that happened. I totally gave away my personal "power", which was, and is, my illness to address.
As I'm recounting all of this I can't type fast enough to keep up with all of the inconsistencies that come to mind in a rush...this is the most clarity I've had around this, and the good folks here have had a great deal to do with that, along with Alanon, my sponsor, my healthy friends who have watched me run myself emotionally ragged in this relationship but have given me the encouragement to move through my process with it all.
I completely understand what you're saying here, "I am all cool with a girl who says she doesn't want to be together anymore, that is a mature, normal decision to make. I am not cool with a girl who cheats and lies and sneaks around and doesn't tell me what's going on." You're not alone in expecting accountability. I'm on my own now too, and despite the pain have a growing part of myself that is plenty grateful for the reprieve.
posie