I haven't been following the book study much, but I have to admit that this portion--the chapter about ANGER, really struck a chord for me.
In my father's culture--Vietnamese, women do not get angry. In fact, women do not speak at all. They are meant to shut up and be pretty. This from the mouth of my grandmother. Men however, have the right to be angry, and my own father had quite the temper when he was younger. I remember being afraid of him and his anger. When he lost it, he would yell, slam his fists into things and once, he kicked a hole through a bedroom door. I honestly think that he was on the verge of being abusive. So I grew up wanting to placate anger; it has always disturbed me. When I myself felt anger, I felt that it was forbidden emotion, because, well, "good girls" didn't get angry. They just sucked it up and got on with life, as many of my Viet aunties and cousins did. They sublimated themselves for the good of the family, and to the wishes of the men around them.
Fast forward to being married to XAH, and I find myself with someone who has definite anger management problems. Heck, his anger was EPIC. He could throw things, break things, stab kitchen utensils into the walls, write nasty letters to people, YELL, insult, berate,...man, the repertoire of his anger was rather vast. My initial reaction was to fight back; "you can't talk to me like this!!". I'd try to yell louder than him and we got into some soul-wrenching fights, usually ending with me huddled into a corner, crying my eyes out. I never could win the anger competition with him. His hatred for life was boundless.
So I changed my reaction to his anger. I tried to placate him, to defuse whatever situation he was pissed about. At the same time, I tried to ignore the growing fury I felt at the way he was treating me, treating his son, treating my family. It was a very hard balance to strike. I always felt as though I needed to sublimate my anger because it would conflict or ignite XAH's much larger and more virulent anger.
I am only now coming to terms with the fact that I am angry with XAH. Since he will never acknowledge or take responsibility for anything that angers, hurts or disappoints me, it somehow makes it easier. There's no target for my anger. There's no one to listen or to send nasty emails to. Well, there is, but there would be no point. So I get to, for the first time in my life, just feel ANGRY. It's rather uncomfortable, being the good little Asian girl that I am, and yet, I know I need to do this. I need to acknowledge that there was a grave injustice and inbalance in my relationship with XAH. I need to remember that the hurt was there, that I didn't imagine it, and that I was right to feel pissed at the lies, the insults, the stealing, the manipulation.
And so, this Angry Little Asian Girl is rightly and truly pissed, and rightly and truly ok with it
