thanks people. a lot of wise and encouraging words in those posts and it helps to get an outside opinion because the only real life people i talk to are my parents and they are alcoholics too and in their disease.
i definitely can relate with what keithj said about taking away the solution (alcohol) and you are irritable and discontent. thats me without a doubt. its actually scaring me because i thought i had problems when i was using, but this is the craziest, most depressed ive ever been.
so i have some things to think about. maybe get on some medication and go to therapy? share in the meetings about where im at? i dunno, ive been thinking about that a lot but i always chicken out at the last moment and say "hi im corey, im an alcoholic and im just gonna listen tonight" instead.
i think part of why everyone seems to happy to me is because there is a lot of good recovery in the rooms im in. the chairperson, after giving out the chips, mentioned how many people here have a year or more sober to encourage the new people that it is possible. about 3/4 of the room put their hands up! i couldnt believe it.
im basically just not sure which route i should take right now, my mom keeps telling me i should get on medication because i keep talking about suicide and i cry all the time, but at the same time i feel that wont work because ive been on that before and it just numbs me.
thanks again for sharing with me everyone.