Pete, you're so miserable right now - why not see what it's like without the poison? It would have to be an improvement over what you're going through. It's no longer doing anything for you - it's no fun, not relaxing, just a living hell. I was just like you - could never imagine my life without being able to get numb. I tried so many times to control it and just have a few, but in the end there was no control left. My life was chaos. I had to stop or die.
You came here because you aren't ready to give up on life. Give yourself a chance to see what living without booze can be like. No, not the first few days - it takes some time - but you can get your life back and feel happy & hopeful once more. Give yourself a chance to live again, please Pete.