Now What?
On Wednesday I went to my therapist appointment. I hadn't seen her since I quit drinking (by then it had been 15 days). I was having a bit of a time catching my breath on the way there..a mild panick attack. When she asked me why, I couldn't tell her, I didn't know, but I wanted a drink.
She seemed to be of the mind that its my OCD kicking in. That first it was my job (I thought that was the reason for my attacks) and now she said I'm focusing on the fact that I'm an alcoholic when in fact I'm probably not.
So she told me to relax about it, buy a bottle of wine this weekend but make it last the entire weekend. Just one glass a night and that's all and see what happens. So, like an idiot, I did because i wanted it.
Here how it went:
I finished painting my daughters room yesterday and opened the fridge to a cold beer staring me in the face. I shut the door and went to take a shower. After getting dressed and back downstairs I grab the beer without even thining about it and drank it in 10 mins. So far I broke 2 promises. I was drinking beer (fully intending on still having the wine), and I was drinking alone as my kids and husband were off down the street with the other husbands and kids.
Then I started dinner which I had planned for days. (Quite the meal I must say)..Opened the wine, already knowing I wasn't going to stop at 1, but I planned on stopping at 2 so I had some left for Sunday dinner. So I drank the ones slowly and finished dinner, still no husband or kids..I looked down the street and I couldn't see them. Then I was mad. He knew I was making dinner. Finally, I poured my 2nd glass sat down and ate by myself.
When they got back I was finished and their meal was cold and I was furious. So what did I do? I got up to clean up and topped up my glass. My husband said nothing, no apology, nothing..So I finished cleaning up, finished the glass and gave myself another 1/2 glass.
My husband finally apologized with prompting. I expressed my diappointment in myself on not following through with the drinking plan and he said, "Yes, but I made you mad." But, that's the point isn't it? Should I be able to get mad without reaching for a drink? Would I have drank it anyway if I hadn't been mad?
I also drank it in front of my kids (another promise I made that I broke)
This morning I have a headache and 1/4 of a bottle of wine left, plus a room that needs a 2nd coat of paint. I think I may throw it out so I don't have access later.
Now I think my therapist is a quack and I only wanted to believe she was right because I wanted those drinks...Ah, hell..what a stupid mistake!!...I gave up 17 days soberity on a experiment...I'm so angry in more ways then one. Why can't I just have one? And if I'm an alcoholic am I also a foodoholic too? Cause I do the same things with food?...The labels are driving me crazy.