okay..goin out on a limb at 5:30 am in the morning....
Gneiss...It's one thing to take responsiblity for my actions, and another to not recognize what isn't my responsibility...and it's a subtle but important difference....I need balance on this.
I did not "choose" to be an alchoholic/addict....Although I am responsible today for doing those things I can to recover....I simply didn't know what was gonna happen when i started and had no idea i would struggle so with being unable to stop. And other people had a part as well...i don't dwell on it, but I must recognize it. Ok..i was a ****/hore....I misbehaved and made wrong decisions in a million different ways....but...that doesn't take away that my partners and friends all had their own part in the drama....
In my own alchoholism and life I see that I ALWAYS felt like I only got two cookies and everyone else got three. And i would do ANYTHING necessary to get that third cookie...regardless to the damage to myself or to those around me. The cookie, i believe, may have been acceptance of me... I sought it from others instead of from myself.
I didn't ASK to be this way....it happened due to the circumstances of my life...MUCH of it beyond my control....
Today I take personal responsibility for my recover, and for my self esteem. others cannot fix me. Maybe I can't fix me either...but I can turn and face the right direction.
In my case, insest paid a large part in creating this absess in myself, but it doesn't have to be something that obvious...and i'm not convinced I even have to understand the totality of how i got turned into a cookie *****...I just need to know that I didn't choose to be scum, I never really was scum...and I can have a future in which cookies return to thier natural value...enjoyable but not the be all and end all of life...
Every morning i remind myself that who I am...the incredible totality of me...lies hidden under the cookie monster...And I look for ways to let loose that me that lies hidden inside
Your a precious commodity Gneiss...don't sell yourself short!