There are so many times in my life, most of them when I was drugging but there are a few before that, when I wish I'd stood up for myself. Simply saying, "I won't buy drugs for you" or "Get out of my apartment and don't come back" or "I'm not your b!tch"...
But I was too afraid. I've gotten a little better but I still do this. Will I ever find my spine? I always thought I was stronger than that, a little more bad@ss, liked myself enough to stick up for me. But I'm not and I don't. I'm a little worm on a huge hook, I have almost no self respect. I don't feel like I deserve any, I'm a used up druggie who was too afraid to lose her boyfriend to say no to him. And now I am so afraid of falling for someone else's bs that it's not worth trying. Ya know how they say it's better to have loved and lost blah blah blah? It's bs. I was happy before I fell for him, I had my life together. And now I'm a mess, I'm sort of chronically morose, and I don't want anyone around me because they're all lying to me and trying to use me.
I hope it ends at some point. I hope sometime I can feel normal again, relate to people in a normal way, respect myself again, and let go of things I can't change. I don't know how to do that, haven't figured it out. I used to have to forgive myself for double-booking dates and accidentally offending a friend; I've never had to forgive myself for f*cking up my own life.