Hi Christine,
It does sound like you're running away from your feelings. Lots of us, me included, have many painful memories that we don't want to deal with. And, I did what you're doing. I ignored my feelings for years and when I couldn't ignore them any longer I used alcohol. And the idea of being sober and really dealing with things is scary. But, you wouldn't believe how liberating and wonderful it feels. Because you can deal with the 'stuff', let it go, learn from it and move on. When you don't deal with it, it just sits there.
You've come to a great place for support and understanding. Hang in there and take small steps and move forward!
Love, Anna