This is my life today: (an e-mail I wrote to my 86 year old grandmother who is allowing my 60 year old mother to stay with her because her husband threw her out of their home...)
I am ashamed to say that Ryan and I had a "row" and I told him I didn't think it wise to continue communicating for the moment, (my father was keeping personal tabs on him...stopping by in Arizona to see him when Dad got cancer treatment in California last fall). Dad told me Ryan had been drinking and was pretty wasted when he saw him.....(I go on Facebook..and Ryan does seem to have some issues...). I feel bad...but I ALSO told Ryan that I loved him and if he wanted to talk, he could contact me at ANY time...just that the current conversation we had been on...was not a healthy one...) I wanted to not speak of certain things...so you wouldn't worry...but the truth is the truth....
I thought by leaving my children with their "normal" fathers, I was doing the "right thing"...but alas...I get surprised by the pain MY decisions have caused....funny how it all turns out in the end...
Yes...my mother will NOT get better until she at LEAST admits she cannot fight the cravings anymore...and makes excuses for them...blames everyone else for her pain...(I don't want to sound like a seller of AA here....). I STILL have issues....but I do not go around BLAMING any longer...I just realize that i am hurt...that life isn't all fairies and unicorns and happy people...and that I have to find my peace WITHIN myself ...not just looking for outside causes and cures.
Anyhow....
We all set out to have this fantastic life, filled with constant joy and triumphs...but this is the life we have...and we can only live it the best we can.....
Sorry if I am being sappy....but I really WISH my mother could get better. The pain she has wrought on ALL of us has been terrible...but I LOVE my mother..and would just be happy knowing she woke up from her addiction and just started to LIVE for a bit...