Originally Posted by
Saphie 
For now just believe that we all really do know how you feel. Whether you agree with some opinions or not, whether they are right for you or not, keep coming back and vent, cry, get angry, whatever it takes, just come back.
:ghug3
Oh man...would I LOVE to vent, cry and rant somewhere without feeling like a burden....but, (and I've a fairly big butt), I still get filled with that shame.....that I am a whiner, (I have been told this....stiff upper lip kind of family style, ya know....)...that I TALK too much, (or write, in this case)...that I am too honest...and I shudder....to feel judged....to wonder if I really AM a burden...too much.....(whatever)
So...I am smoking right now......trying to stop the panic....I have decided that I can no longer do this.....I am a dark, hurt, INSANE individual.....but I cannot LIVE this way....I feel as if I have already died.....months...years ago....(so much history....). I told my husband last night....I REALLY wish I had the balls (excuse me) to kill myself..but I am chicken...I am afraid I might miss something...and he said, "you would..." (what a mind fark and jolt, eh?). So if I am too chicken...then I have NO CHOICE but to get on with this business of finding that ol' gal that used to draw on napkins....go shopping, not to BUY...but so I could caress the fabric on a dress.....
but where did she go......?????