I know the darkness of which you speak. It is indescribabale and it is a place that I NEVER want to go back to. I always used to shut down when I felt threatened too. I don't have to do that anymore. I can think about what is being said without feeling attacked (MOST of the time). I can say that these folks truly do care about you. We all felt the way you are feeling at our bottom. Beaten, ripped apart, hopeless. Sometimes we need to hear things we just don't want to! I know that's true for me anyways. I hope that you do give AA a try. Go to several different meetings. Don't just go to one and give up. Try out different ones. You may just hear something that you have been looking for. Something that will give you just a glimmer of hope. That's all it took for me.
You're not alone. That is one thing that I can promise you. We have very similar stories, which tells me that you too can get (and stay) sober.