This is probably why I am ambiguous about stopping, because I still want to drink, but I don't want to be an alcoholic. Yet most of the time I don't drink like a normal person and I can't control my intake
This was me - for the best part of 20 years.
In the end I had to ask myself why was alcohol so important to me - it clearly was not good for me, I clearly couldn't 'control' it like I want to - why is it I couldn't just...give it up?
I'm fully functioning, and I don't miss work, and I haven't hit a bottom so to speak. The thing is, I don't want to have to be emotionally bankrupt in order to see the forest through the trees.
I was ok for most of my drinking too...or I was able to kid myself (and others) I was...
but then I lost it big time - no warning, no big event - I just went from maintaining a job and a reputation, to drinking it all away - and it still seems overnight....
in my bewilderment, I kept drinking for 5 years after that, became the town drunk, and nearly died.
I really recommend you do anything you can do, try anything you can try, to avoid that, 'cook
D