jackfrost

Well, this day has been a long time coming.

First, a little background on me and my situation.
I am 44 years old and am what one refer to as a "highly functioning alcoholic". I have a very well-paid, though stressful, job, a wonderful and supportive wife and two beautiful little kids.
I probably have the reputation of occasionally having a "few too many" but, to outside appearances I appear to be a pretty normal guy (I could be totally off base on that but, I really don't think so).

I've been drinking since high school so say for about the past 28 years. I don't drink every day but, I'd say what has been happening more frequently over the past year or so is that if I have two or three drinks then it just triggers something in me where I want more and more and then end up consuming 6 or 8 of 10 drinks.
(Another mitigating factor is that I take Ambien for insomnia and if I don't have my wits about me because I have had a few drinks I might take one of them to "get a jump" on getting to sleep. That has resulted in some truly bizarre and regrettable behavior such as incoherent conversations or crazy typo filled emails sent out at strange hours. None of which I remember the next day. That issue is something else I intend to tackle but, one battle at a time. Also the sleeping pills on their own aren't the problem it is the combination of sleeping pills with alcohol that is the problem. The alcohol is the root of the issue because I can get drunk more of ten than not and not even think of the insomnia medication).

No one huge incident has set me off on this mission to quit drinking, just a number of small incidents and embarrassments and too many mornings waking up feeling like hell.

I recall a quote from Winston Churchill where he said something along the lines of "I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."

Well, in my case, I believed that for a long time. I look back on all the fun times with my buddies, the enjoyable Friday after work cosmo's with my wife, having a nice cold beer after a long day of mountain climbing or just mowing the lawn, getting a nice buzz on and listening to my music on my headphones etc. etc. etc.
I have a lot of fond memories and experiences where alcohol played at least a supporting role. Alcohol has been an integral part my life and I won't lie, I do enjoy it.

Anyway, getting back to the Churchill quote I can no longer claim that I am getting more out of alcohol than it is taking out of me. It is beginning to take a LOT out of me; I don't bounce back from a night of drinking like I used to (I'm 44 years old), it has caused strains in my marriage, I have embarrassed myself on several occasions, I don't want my kids to grow up having a drunk for a dad, it is not good for the health of my body and mind.

So that brings me to this crossroad.
I believe I need to give up drinking for several reasons (I tried the moderation technique and that worked for a little while but, I got complacent and slipped back into old habits).
However, I am scared. Like I mentioned alcohol has played such an important role in my life it has almost become part of who I am.
So, I ask the group (and myself) IF I am successful at quitting drinking then what???
Will I be a happier & healthier person?
How do I fight the urge to order a drink when I walk into a cozy bar and hear the buzz of conversation and the familiar clinking of glasses?
What are the benefits you think I will realize (besides the not making an ass of myself or waking up with a hangover)?
What do I replace a cold beer with as a reward for say mowing the lawn on a hot day?
What am I going to do with all my spare time when I am not drinking?
What do I tell my friends when I go over and they offer me a beer and I say no thanks?
How do I have fun when I go out with a bunch of people to a bar?
I'm a generally shy person and admittedly have used alcohol as a "crutch" in social situations. How am I going to overcome that and conquer my fear without alcohol?

My wife, says to me this morning, after we talked about my plan, "it is almost like you are talking about losing a limb". Well, in a way yes, that is an apt analogy.
At this point (Day 1) it seems like I am embarking on a radical makeover in "who I am" and that has me very scared.

Any thoughts, perspectives, coping strategies, book recommendations from those that have been through this very beginning stages of sobriety (which I assume is most everyone on the site) would be greatly and sincerely appreciated.

thanks very much in advance for your support.

Jack