Eliot- thanks for all the time you clearly put in your posts. Althought I'm not entirely sure what you're talking about half the time, it is still appreciated. I feel that the fact of my thinking "I might have a problem" really means I might have a problem. These ideas don't just come into peoples head right? I'm willing to bet none of my friends I party with are thinking the same. It might be because I know what i do is wrong. I always have. My parents raised me well enough to know wrong from right and have always told me to "learn from my mistakes." only I never learn from my mistakes. I've messed up a lot over the years but that doesn't seem to change my consistent use and unwavering enjoyment of drinking and getting high. That's what scares me. If it were any other situation, where I mess up and feel like sh**, I will rarely ever do that same thing again(learning from my mistakes) but with drinking I keep coming back becasue for some reason no matter how crappy I feel, my mind is somehow able to erase it, belittle it, and forgive myself to the point where I have no problem doing it again.
This is why I think I have a problem. Because I am actually incapable of stopping. I've tried at least 6 times over the past 3 years. I don't do it every day, I don't miss family events, or show up to school or sports messed up, I don't let everything else in my life go, just to get drunk. But it is an engrained part of the way I live my life. It has been one thing that has always been consistent. I always go back to it, even when i promise myself I won't. It's that, and this lump in my throat and drop in my stomach that I feel whenever someone brings up drinking or smoking in convorsation. I think YES I live talking about this, god I wanna do it right now. There is rarely a day I haven thought about it in some shape or form. Not that I actually end up doing it, but still.
And eliot- I'm not sure if I know myself very well. I'm not really sure of anything right now. I just hope I can make it out at the other end of all this. I don't mind you making assumptions, because most of the time they are completely accurate.
Thanks to everyone, I look forward to reading all of the posts right when I get home from school. They make me feel a lot better knowing that there are otheb people who feel/have felt exactly how I feel right now.