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Old 03-25-2010, 10:11 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Freedom1990
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm of the mind that supervised visitation should be in a neutral place. That being said, I understand your quandry.

My youngest daughter's dad was sober in AA 13 years when I met him. We lived 40 miles apart, never married, and around my 5th month of pregnancy, I asked him if he was going to be responsible as a father in any way shape or form. His answer was less than stellar.

To make a long story short, he wasn't interested in her, period. He didn't even know her name until we had the paternity test done as mandated by the state since I had no medical insurance for her and had a medical card.

He showed up once, unannounced, on my doorstep when she was 2 years old. I was livid. I told him I had been angry about his seeming indifference to his daughter, was still angry, and probably would be for a long time to come. I told him to hit the road and not look back.

For years, his income tax return had to be intercepted to make up for all the child support payments he didn't bother to make.

He fought the first and only increase in child support when she was 11. He lost.

I never talked badly about him in front of her, never.

When she was 8 years old, she started asking questions about him, and I knew the time had come where she was wanting a relationship with him.

I was terrified because I had no idea if he was still even sober.

I contacted him anyway, he was still sober (and I use that term loosely), and interested in starting up a relationship with her.

That lasted 1 year and fizzled out. The only reason she had any contact with her father after that was because her stepmother kept in touch, invited her over for visits, etc.

Her father wasn't there for his first set of kids (he's 20 years older than me) when he was drinking, and he wasn't there for his other kids he had after getting sober.

I have stressed to her time and time again that his lack of interest in being an active parent has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with him.

She's almost 22 now, and I know she internalizes to some extent that she wasn't worthy of her dad's love because of his rejection through apathy, regardless of what I have told her.

That has been apparent in her choices with men.

It hurts my heart, but I can't fix that. I know I did the right thing by giving him/her the opportunity to bond. He's the one who dropped the ball.

Had he not been 'sober', I would not have allowed the contact between the two of them.
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