[QUOTE=NEOMARXIST;2549155]Thanks for posting EliotRosewater.
You have a lot of really valid points in that post. Remember though that you need to "
Live in the solution and not in the problem" [QUOTE]
NEO, hello! I was an engaged polisci undergrad and involved with the College Democrats so I can appreciate your handle. (Call me Friedrich Engels!) Moving on before this gets political - a political AODA message board - I can't imagine. Sorry for digressing. Regarding the quote (and this is the first time I've used the 'quote' feature which means I'm that much more wrapped up in SR.com - good.) I don't know what it means. Or: I don't know what it means? Someone said it to someone else at the meeting (first AA) last night; I only overheard briefly. That was the first time I'd "heard" it; and then read it on here an hour later. In earnestly, when I overheard that last night I did kind of a, "Wait, what?" In earnestness - and here's where we pull over to the side of the road and tell Mek, "Jump in! (Play along, Mek.)" One of the things that turned me off from AA last night was the ritualistic ('ritual' being a neutral word) dialogue that they frequently employed. Um. Rephrasing: I went to my first AA meeting last night and for those of you that have been, you maybe know what I mean. (And to those of you who embrace - I understand what it's all about - it was just a little overwhelming for a newcomer.) Certain phrases and turns of speech repeated pretty consistently. Mek - this involves you; I'm not meaning to encroach on your post. Mek - you're wondering if you have a drug/alcohol problem. I forgot who, but someone in an earlier post nailed it my friend. (Hmm. Maybe I can scroll up from where I am...[scrolling?] Went up, then tried down, no luck.) Someone said that the fact that you made your way onto a drug & alcohol support web-site says something. And it does. It's not terribly uncommon for someone to 'love' getting drunk or to 'love' getting stoned. (Please direct all hate mail to the address listed in my profile.) Because when you say 'love' you're saying (I think), 'really, really, really....like. It is awesome!" And a lot of people love it just as much. My college roommate and still best friend, Joey, 'loves' smoking pot. But I don't see the compulsion in him that I find in myself. (I also love smoking pot. I stopped drinking for five weeks just a little while ago and smoked every night for two weeks and had a blast of it. Of course I was just substituting, anyone will tell you.) Joey though? He can be in his home, alone, with plenty of pot - and not smoke. He certainly would never smoke daily. And rarely alone. It's moderation. Not eager Eliot! I am not able to moderate myself. The same switch that is triggered (and it IS a switch; I mean, it is a crystal... clear...no doubt about it, "did anyone else hear that click?" It *!SNAPS!* on and then, well, then - dun dun dun, Bad Tom, uh, Bad Eliot appears. For me, that carries over into any other mood-altering substance. All of them. I always want more, more, more. Myself - and I request a pardon if I'm speaking out of line here folks - but, many (read: most) of us with substance problems. It's just our cup of tea! (Got any Amaretto for this tea?) Um. In bad taste?...No. (OH and a quick PS: It's soooooo easy to say (drives Eliot nuts), "I'm not addicted to pot because you can't get addicted to pot." You are right. Not physically addicted. You can stop any time. But that mental addition that craves what pot did in your brain, not the rest of you - that's addiction.) (I'm pretty sure you didn't say anything along those lines in any of your posts Mek, if you did I missed it - I'm not playing the, "Oh really, well what about !...And!.." game here.) I'm going to make some assumptions about you Mek (WHAT!). You know yourself very well; of this I am certain. You might not think you do. Deep down, yes - you do. (If you don't, that's cool too. I know that Eliot can't simply "Will it..." to be true just by verbally insisting
) That's why you came to this site. (But it may not be. Plenty of your friends are doing the exact same thing that you are doing and they seem (and will be) fine. Do you have a problem? I don't know. What is the problem if there even is one? (And no, community, I'm not saying that Mek's friends are fine and won't ever have problems. But Mek knows what I mean I'm mostly certain.) I used to look at it like this: "I drink and smoke pot and do drugs on a semi-regular basis, but, I'm in college, so, it's just that time of my life." Before I was out of college, when I was 20, 21, 22, I would often wonder, "When, though, will this lifestyle just 'stop?'" So I'd tell myself that I could still be living that lifestyle because I didn't have a 'serious job' yet. "That's it." But now I have a career, for three years now out of college and I'm still the exact same Eliot I was back then - ok, so now what? I mean really... Now what? And I tell myself, "Well, when I have a wife and then kids, my life will really settle and things will be good. I mean it
has to settle down. Of course. Of course. (Of course? Come on - I'm not going to drink every night when I have children of my own! Ha." And these really weren't excuses to me. I honestly believed them and - anyone may disagree - I think a lot of us do when we're young (yes, and old - but let's be honest - it's so easy when we are young!). Because with so many milestones in front of us and relatively so little behind us - it's so, so, so easy to hang our hats on: "I'm not that guy anymore because I'm...I did...I live...I...." What really happened to Eliot, anyway, was, I trained myself to live this way. From 15 - (now?) I lived with mostly alcohol (and some drugs) and since I was young, and doing exactly the things expected of me at that age (school, work, first apartment, auto insurance, no speeding tickets, right?) successfully - and also because alcoholics were "old," and they were "eccentric," and had problems. Real problems! Ha! Not me! Alcoholics like uncle Mark who showed up to family Christmas (and almost every other gathering) late and usually tipsy - [I]that[I] was an alcoholic. (And that is what present day TOM (Eliot who?) does not want to be known as - I don't want my nephews seeing me as 'uncle Tom') Say what you will, but that stigma terrifies me. (What's worse? The stigma, or the toll the disease is taking on you Eliot?) I know what my brother and I thought of our two alcoholic uncles when we were just little kids. "Uncle Mark" has become a brand name in my family. Mek - you don't want to go to your parents; I don't want to go to AA and [eventually?] let people find out my "secret." Because I feel like once I come into the light - there is no more shadow. (Yes. It's a solid setup for "Living in the shadows..." replies, but I'm ready to figuratively leave it here if you are?)
Mek I'm you, just a few years older. With my own set of hangups. Like all of us.
Hopefully never offensive,
Eliot
Community: Eliot talks to much sometimes - sorry. (The word-count on this one actually has me a little on edge for real.)