I have been really going thru some major crap since the night I posted this thread, I was high and I was miserable... looking for a little help and I did come back and read your wonderful replies, but I was ashamed to post back because I kept getting high.
I was ironically google-ing something else and a link to this site popped up, so I thought I'd thank everyone for their encouragement that replied. Thank you, I'm gonna try to come back more often, I feel, now, that I'm coming out of this crazy fog... two weeks as of yesterday I'm clean, never thought I'd be able to do it, but I feel like I just said "eff this" finally, and I let myself get to the 3rd day (the day of being clean I always say it's too hard and end up calling the pill peddler) and I slept through it. I took a bunch of vitamins and some tylenol and pretended it was percocet lol and I was ok.
I still feel jittery.. the anxiety, I keep feeling like I'm supposed to be working toward some scheme to score some pills, that I find myself bored and feeling purposeless. I know they say to just get busy doing other stuff, but I am just trying to get to the point where my motivation comes back first... still feel crappy every morning, but just a tiny bit less each day. I couldn't even have written this a few days ago... I wouldn't write anything or talk to anyone when I was first withdrawing...wouldn't do jack ****. I'm sure it's normal and all. I really felt like the pills made me "good enough" or gave me some super courage to do stuff that I used to just do regardless. I. E. calling to make appointments, or shopping or... just everyday things normal folks do with or without a pill. It's scary to come back to the real world... I've been gone pretty bad for a long time, I am thinking about some kind of therapy or something, but I hate when you ask for help and they label you a drug addict, even when you're actually clean! Just having the courage to say "hey, I need some support without judgment" and getting judged, it kills me. I am a socially anxious person since childhood and I don't know if I can handle the idea of meetings, I'd really prefer one on one with a social worker- I have insurance also, thankfully. Does anyone have any suggestions how I could get the ball rolling on this? I feel like my biggest problem right now is the mental adjusting I need. I feel like without some guidance, I could easily end up back to the familiar only out of comfort.
It's just a scary new place right now, I don't know how to deal with it yet. I feel like it's a secret battle, too, no one seems to understand or to want to hear that I am an addict-as with close friends. Like they're in denial. Hell, I was in denial, now they are? But really, it's harder doing it alone, no one to cheer me on, no one even knows the silent pain I've been experiencing. Thankyou, I'll be back alot sooner this time. I appreciate your kind words and your wisdom!